I had an employability assessment today. It didn't go so well. The parking lot was being repaved do there was no handicapped parking. I got stopped by a construction worker for attempting to walk where it was level and the shortest distance and made to go around and through an overgrown flower bed. I am lucky I didn't fall. Then from the waiting room watched as he helped an elderly woman across the route I was trying to take. Little does he know that on x-rays I look as old as she did. But he saw my youthful face and made a snap judgement.
Then the doctors first words were to tell me that she thought that I need to stop seeking treatment for my condition because the more doctors I see the more things wrong with me they will find. She was very confrontational and I felt discriminated against again. She hadn't even read my chart or asked any questions. Beyond that how do you assess a person's functionality in a 1-hour clinic visit.
I wanted to say come see me on my bad days bitch when I can't leave my bed and I am not drinking any fluids or eating not just because I can't get out of bed to prepare it but because I can't get it of bed to use the bathroom. It's embarrassing to admit but some days I can't take myself to the restroom or dress myself.
My treatment isn't just me seeking answers to why my body is prematurely elderly its also treatment to MANAGE my existing symptoms. I do acupuncture, massage, chiropractic, and physical therapy. I follow up and have monthly organ checks to see that my medication isn't shutting my kidneys or liver down. They are still trying to verify lupus but my doctor is 98% certain that I have it. The tests have to continue though. I read people's stories and lupus can take years to verify. Is it bad that when it is confirmed that I want to show it to every doctor that treated me like an addict?
It's so discouraging to have doctors tell me to adjust to my new life as it is now, learn to accept my limitations and be happy with what I have only to be made to feel guilty by government officials, insurance adjusters, even friends and family for being unable to support myself and hold down a job. I am treated as less than human. How can I be happy with what I am now if I am constantly told I how I am a low life and treated without warmth and compassion?
I am not lazy or a liar, I don't abuse my medication and I am not a drug seeker. I do everything my doctors tell me and follow my treatment plan. However the reality is that all the treatments in the world aren't going to make me a happy healthy 30 year old again.
I am 30 years old trapped in a body that is internally 60 years old. When you look at me you see a young face but I am lucky to keep up with my own grandmother or any of yours for that matter. That's the reality I have been dealing with. Alot of people don't see everything I am doing to try to just survive but that's because they don't ask or try to be an active part of the process.
Before this all happened I had a good job that I chose because it was giving back. I was helping the people that help all of us in our times of crisis. I loved the people I served at the police and fire department and I loved the work I was doing. I felt good about what I was doing. I worked hard and gave it my best. My life felt like it meant something. Now I feel like I am nobody and nothing.
And you know what I have learned through this whole experience is that it doesn't matter how much you may have tried to give the instant you can't give anymore you are the bad guy. You are judged for not being able to keep up. It feels like there is no compassion for those who are struggling just to survive.
Our culture says people like me are a nuisance and a leech. That we are living unjustly off taxpayers dollars. We must be faking it and lazy. Meanwhile do you know who IS living unjustly? The wealthy. They can afford good doctors, whatever meds they need; they can make deals with politicians to saving them tax money. They have pricey accountants that help them avoid any reasonable fiscal responsibility to their country leaving the burden of the sick and poor on the sick and poor.
I understand that its not anyone's fault that my body is giving out on me. It's not even my fault. I understand that because it's not your fault then it seems unfair to have to help me or others like me out. But if you don't help who does? Am I just supposed to give up and die?
Why do we demonize people for admitting they need help? Why do we need to bring those that are already low lower just because they said they needed help? What do you do when you need help and nobody is there?