Thursday, March 27, 2014

Peter Pan

Today's early post is mostly me bitching. The culture shock of Jamaica is hitting me hard. I felt like there were possibilities for me down there that aren't available here. I had freedom there that I don't have here. I could lay on a beach and relax without worrying that someone is taking my picture. When I got back I was reminded I have to watch what I do. Just last week there was a white crown vic with tinted windows parked outside my home with someone sitting in it. Its a horrible reality I don't wish on any of you.

What most people don't realize is that I am Peter Pan. I am stuck in Never-land. At the end of the season you guys have school, jobs, relationships, dreams, goals - manifest destiny. I have nothing until Pirate Season rolls around again. I have no way to disengage from The Game and I need that. That is not any of your fault. I need other friends that aren't pirates. I don't know how to fix that problem.

Being Captain kind of separates you from the crowd, The weight of everyone's problems, the responsibility of keeping the peace, the planning- I can't be one of the guys because I am the boss. I get that. But I have no Tinker Bell, no Wendy, no lost boys - no distractions. My comrades (other captains) lie, gossip, compete and cheat each other. My family was supposed to help me last weekend and didn't. A large quantity of people had more important things to do than help me even though I needed them. That is always going to be the case. I know that. No one should feel guilty because they had something they would rather do. I certainly would have rather done something else.

However prior to Jamaica I would have been stuck in a loop of hoping that the next time it would be different. Coming back I realize its a cultural thing. My mom was present and there for me and I was present and there for her when there were no distractions; when we had nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no technology. Somehow that felt like its how it should be. I had the most amazing time with her down there. I wanted to stay. Coming back here where people are always in a hurry and busy with something is quite a shock. Even my mom changed as soon as we hit the tarmac. What is it that drives us to be in such a hurry? She was in so much of a hurry to leave the airport and go home that she forgot her passport with me. I ask each of you to consider why we live our lives this way. It seems wasteful.

I don't want you to be afraid to come to me with your problems because it might stress me. I welcome the stress because I love you. I just want to know that I can come to you with mine. I rarely have someone who will just listen without needing to DO something to try and fix it.

I do however need people to take the time to understand how I feel. I feel I do need additional consideration. Nobody plans for their life to end up this way. I had other things I wanted to do before I was 30. There were things I put off that now I am never going to do. I thought that after beating cancer I had faced the worst demon but this is the beast that won't die. I went from making 120,000 a year to being unable to pay my medical bills. I was asking friends and family for loans even before I lost my job because I was missing so much work. I'd get caught up only to get sick again. Once upon a time I could leave my house without worrying about surveillance, I could go to a party or a bar of my own volition. I could do whatever I wanted. I knew freedom. Or at least I thought I did. Now some days I can't even leave my bed much less leave my home. How do you expect people to keep you involved when you are living day to day. But why are we planning our days so far in advance? why aren't we living day to day?

Now it seems that becoming involved in something new is so complicated. I feel discouraged because its hard for me to get to anything other than things other people are going to and only if they want to take me. I have no contact with people outside of my crew and the occasional other pirate. I have been trying to get out and do new things and meet new people but that hasn't been wholly successful. I apologize for the mood swings. I am in counseling and have been for a while but it just doesn't seem to change much. I talk, I get it off my chest and then the clock resets. So I am going to try writing. I haven't been able to sew for a while because of the impact my medication being messed up had on my life. I have piles of projects. I feel like I live from personal crisis to crisis. I don't know how to fix that. Changing my ideology seemed a logical choice but now that it has I just find that I am alienated further.

My Reality

A lot has happened since my last post to this blog. I am now disabled. I am unable to work and my life is doctors appointments, legal disputes, pain management, and just trying to get by day to day. I am fortunate to be cared for financially by a friend and lover. I hate that I am dependent though. Recently returned from Jamaica I have to get something off my chest. I am going to keep this simple but this is what I realized while I was there.

I could easily fill up pages about how I feel right now. Many of you know that I have been depressed for some time now. This winter has been very hard and I am not through it yet. Few of you know the depths of the depression or even the source of it. Its not my intent to communicate with guilt or to be passive aggressive. I require nothing from you but at the same time realize that I need all of you. I realize that its not any of your fault that I feel this way. You have lives. You are going to get busy. Our lives are a self-serving rat race. If you can't keep up then you get trampled. Its not your fault that I fall between the cracks. Its the fault of our social culture. I hate this ideology that we exist in because it treats its most needy of individuals as if they are the lowliest lifeforms.

I feel invisible. I feel abandoned. I don't feel like I have a stable support structure. I feel like I have no future and that I am kidding myself that this pirate life could be my future because it depends on others wanting the exact same thing. I am discouraged because I feel like my friends are scattered and distracted.

I kid myself that I have friends. Some of my friendships seem to exist on Facebook alone. In truth I hate Facebook because it allows people to be lazy and not invest in people. There was a time that I spent every evening with a different person. Someone I cared about. That was worth driving to see but it never seemed to be reciprocated. Once I got sick, first cancer- I thought I had it beat but a mistake made by a surgeon left me with fibromyalgia. Arthritis from sports injuries and over-use. Potentially lupus.

This is my reality now. My future is dependent on others. My survival is dependent on others. My day to day care and livelihood is dependent on others. My health and well-being is dependent on others. Because I am dependent on others my quality of life is never going to be like it once was. Coming to terms with that is harder than any of you realize. My quality of life has to be adjusted. I have to settle. I don't get to make decisions about what I want or what I would like my life to be like because I have to depend on assistance or contributions of others. So I have to stick to base needs only because it is no one's responsibility to care for me.

I am grateful and humbled by those who contribute to my quality of life and enrich it. I am trying to be satisfied by just what I am given, but it is hard because I remember being able to do things myself. I remember not needing anyone's help. People expect me to be positive. To "hang in there" or "cheer up" but I feel like all that encouragement is just bullshit so they don't have to deal with how devastating a life change like this truly is. I try daily to see it as a fresh start but how could it be a fresh start if I am still clinging to a life that I used to love.

I am not excited about the pirate season for the first time in 6 years. Why? Because people don't know how to be kind and generous to each other without expectation. There is drama all the time despite attempts to be NO DRAMA because life here in the states is always "survival of the fittest". Its competitive because our individual self worth is dependent on us being "better' than the other guy. This is our social culture as Americans. I feel discouraged and lack the energy to try to change that.