Peter Pan

Today's early post is mostly me bitching. The culture shock of Jamaica is hitting me hard. I felt like there were possibilities for me down there that aren't available here. I had freedom there that I don't have here. I could lay on a beach and relax without worrying that someone is taking my picture. When I got back I was reminded I have to watch what I do. Just last week there was a white crown vic with tinted windows parked outside my home with someone sitting in it. Its a horrible reality I don't wish on any of you.

What most people don't realize is that I am Peter Pan. I am stuck in Never-land. At the end of the season you guys have school, jobs, relationships, dreams, goals - manifest destiny. I have nothing until Pirate Season rolls around again. I have no way to disengage from The Game and I need that. That is not any of your fault. I need other friends that aren't pirates. I don't know how to fix that problem.

Being Captain kind of separates you from the crowd, The weight of everyone's problems, the responsibility of keeping the peace, the planning- I can't be one of the guys because I am the boss. I get that. But I have no Tinker Bell, no Wendy, no lost boys - no distractions. My comrades (other captains) lie, gossip, compete and cheat each other. My family was supposed to help me last weekend and didn't. A large quantity of people had more important things to do than help me even though I needed them. That is always going to be the case. I know that. No one should feel guilty because they had something they would rather do. I certainly would have rather done something else.

However prior to Jamaica I would have been stuck in a loop of hoping that the next time it would be different. Coming back I realize its a cultural thing. My mom was present and there for me and I was present and there for her when there were no distractions; when we had nothing to do, nowhere to be, and no technology. Somehow that felt like its how it should be. I had the most amazing time with her down there. I wanted to stay. Coming back here where people are always in a hurry and busy with something is quite a shock. Even my mom changed as soon as we hit the tarmac. What is it that drives us to be in such a hurry? She was in so much of a hurry to leave the airport and go home that she forgot her passport with me. I ask each of you to consider why we live our lives this way. It seems wasteful.

I don't want you to be afraid to come to me with your problems because it might stress me. I welcome the stress because I love you. I just want to know that I can come to you with mine. I rarely have someone who will just listen without needing to DO something to try and fix it.

I do however need people to take the time to understand how I feel. I feel I do need additional consideration. Nobody plans for their life to end up this way. I had other things I wanted to do before I was 30. There were things I put off that now I am never going to do. I thought that after beating cancer I had faced the worst demon but this is the beast that won't die. I went from making 120,000 a year to being unable to pay my medical bills. I was asking friends and family for loans even before I lost my job because I was missing so much work. I'd get caught up only to get sick again. Once upon a time I could leave my house without worrying about surveillance, I could go to a party or a bar of my own volition. I could do whatever I wanted. I knew freedom. Or at least I thought I did. Now some days I can't even leave my bed much less leave my home. How do you expect people to keep you involved when you are living day to day. But why are we planning our days so far in advance? why aren't we living day to day?

Now it seems that becoming involved in something new is so complicated. I feel discouraged because its hard for me to get to anything other than things other people are going to and only if they want to take me. I have no contact with people outside of my crew and the occasional other pirate. I have been trying to get out and do new things and meet new people but that hasn't been wholly successful. I apologize for the mood swings. I am in counseling and have been for a while but it just doesn't seem to change much. I talk, I get it off my chest and then the clock resets. So I am going to try writing. I haven't been able to sew for a while because of the impact my medication being messed up had on my life. I have piles of projects. I feel like I live from personal crisis to crisis. I don't know how to fix that. Changing my ideology seemed a logical choice but now that it has I just find that I am alienated further.